Funny quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny quotes

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln

Funny Quotes

These funny quotes are focused on inspiration from well known leaders and public figures.

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
If God wanted games to end in a tie, she wouldn't have invented numbers. Ted Lasso Ted Lasso is an American sports comedy-drama streaming television series developed by Jason Sudeikis. The show Ted Lasso has some of the most consistent funny quotes on TV.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. David Letterman, an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. He hosted late night television talk shows for 33 years, beginning with the February 1, 1982, debut of Late Night with David Letterman on NBC, and ending with the May 20, 2015
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Mark Twain, known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American writer, humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecture
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell, an American actor, comedian, producer, and writer. He first established himself in the mid-1990s as a cast member on the NBC sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. Ellen DeGeneres, an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, and producer. She starred in the sitcom Ellen from 1994 to 1998 and has hosted her syndicated television talk show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, since 2003
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield, an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I don't get no respect!"
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.' Steven Wright, an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. Jimmy Kimmel, American television host, comedian, writer, and producer
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin Commedian funny quotes
Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’? Neil DeGrasse Tyson, American astrophysicist, planetary scientist, author, and science communicator
I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me. Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters: a fictional character from the Ghostbusters franchise played by Bill Murray.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx: an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians. He made 13 feature films as a team with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. Dylan Thomas: Welsh poet and writer whose works include the poems "Do not go gentle into that good night" and "And death shall have no dominion"

Additional Funny Quotes

Continued listing of funny quotes.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein: German-born theoretical physicist, widely acknowledged to be one of the greatest physicists of all time
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Ann Landers: an American advice columnist and eventually a nationwide media celebrity. She began writing the "Ask Ann Landers" column in 1955 and continued for 47 years, by which time its readership was 90 million people
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb: English essayist, poet, and antiquarian, best known for his Essays of Elia and for the children's book Tales from Shakespeare, co-authored with his sister, Mary Lamb. One of the great funny quotes
A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin: an English comic actor, filmmaker, and composer who rose to fame in the era of silent film. He became a worldwide icon through his screen persona, the Tramp, and is considered one of the film industry's most important figures
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama: The 14th Dalai Lama, known as Gyalwa Rinpoche to the Tibetan people, is the current Dalai Lama, the highest spiritual leader and former head of state of Tibet.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov: n American writer and professor of biochemistry at Boston University. During his lifetime, Asimov was considered one of the "Big Three" science fiction writers, along with Robert A. Heinlein and Arthur C. Clarke.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. Ralph Waldo Emerson: ho went by his middle name Waldo, was an American essayist, lecturer, philosopher, abolitionist, and poet who led the transcendentalist movement of the mid-19th century.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. Will Rogers: an American vaudeville performer, actor, and humorous social commentator. He was born as a citizen of the Cherokee Nation, in the Indian Territory, and was known as "Oklahoma's Favorite Son"